A Few Good Men

Today I heard that a friend of mine was hurt by some harsh words. These words came from the mouths of young men around 18 years old. I feel fortunate that most of the young men I know at this age are in my Sunday School class (or recent graduates) and are very respectful and non offensive with their vocabulary.

I just don't get why young people (and even less-than-young people) feel the need to use words to hurt and feel powerful over others. To feel truly empowered you must actually give of yourself to others. I guess it doesn't make much sense to see it in words, but it makes sense to me.

The bottom line is-sticks and stones break bones, and words DO hurt. My hope is that my son can grow up to be like some of the kind young men I know from Sunday school as opposed to the punks who don't think before they speak (or act for that matter.)

I will continue to try to teach by example and raise him to remember that other girls are somebody's sister, mother, wife or daughter and they deserve the respect and care we all need.

Back from the brink.

Hello people of the internet world. How are you? "You're girl is lovely, Hubbel."

Sorry to be so nostalgic, I just think that quote from "The Way We Were" is one of the best post-break-up-meet-each-other-on-the-street-and-be-cool-about-it lines in history.

I apologize that I have been away so long. I really apologize to myself-as I wandered away from blog-land to pursue a greater endeavor of writing a novel for youth and also picture books for smaller children. I passionately dove into the work of building this world for this wonderful group of characters based roughly on you guessed it-my family.

Strike that-I'm not sorry about writing a book, but I AM sorry that I got a bad case of writer's block and haven't written much of ANYTHING in the past few months. So, I get back to my "roots" I will continue to "just keep writing" for my novel, or my children books or the play idea I came up with from a dream, or even just in my journal. I will from time to time be checking in with my internet persona. I forgot how nice (and sometimes scary) it is to know that I can write something, click a button and the whole world can see it, if they so choose.

Lord knows I can use some positive feedback considering I received my third rejection letter-which isn't what hurts. What hurts is that the editor used IMPROPER GRAMMAR in her letter. She told me "I enjoyed reading YOU story." I capitalized the word you to show what is driving me crazy. Now I know I make mistakes, but that just seems ridiculous-this is her profession. Anyways, I'll get off my high horse-or maybe just stay on it and mosey out of town....

"Happy trails to you, until we meet again..."

Resolutions!

Happy New Year! This is the time of year when many people decide on what resolutions they want to make-and then a week later what resolutions they want to keep ;-) . I have made resolutions in the past, I've been successful with some of them, but definitely NOT the whole lot. While I didn't make an official resolution this year, my dearest husband and I kind of came to a consensus about some things we can do to better our lives. We came up with a creed (or mission statement).

It's basically this: We will always strive to assure that our relationship and our family is positive and successful.

Sounds really simple, right? I mean, isn't that basically what you vow to do when you get married?? Well, when lives and schedules get hectic and we get stressed, I think that we sometimes forget about that basic principle. Love one another as we would love ourselves. Maybe we don't love ourselves enough to begin with (that explains a lot). I can't speak for every other married couple out there, but it is sometimes hard to always think about the "team" and we sometimes find ourselves turning into what my hubby so nicely calls "the Bickersons". I guess you would say the Bickersons are our evil twins who let things get in between them instead of drawing on each others strengths to stay closer together.

I don't really like the Bickersons much (I apologize to any real Bickersons out there-these guys ruined it for you).

So back to that mission statement-we have been doing fairly well since we came up with it this past weekend-things have been fairly quiet so it's been easy. Until last night. It's funny the little things that can just eat at a person.... I had to go to a church meeting right after supper last night. When I arrived home after the meeting (and picking up a movie for hubby and I to watch) it was half an hour after the kids' bedtimes. I knew there would be cleanup to do, but what I didn't expect was for the kids to still be up taking baths when I got home. I looked around at the messy house and thought about the kids that were not going to want to get up for school the next morning and I ALMOST made a snide comment to my husband. But then I thought about the fact that he has been having to leave earlier for work lately and the only time he has really gotten to see the kids is the short period from suppertime until bedtime... I asked him if they played and had fun, and surprise surprise, they had. I was able to turn my selfish (such a bad word) feelings of resentment into a more positive feeling of gratitude (I am so grateful that my husband is such a good Daddy-and wants to play with his kiddos.)




......(good Daddy and kids)......




Was I thrilled that we didn't get to start watching our movie until almost 10? No. Was I thrilled about the tired kids (and parents) this morning? Not really, but what good does it do to focus on something like that-we all survived and in the end had a great evening. So whatever it is you choose to change (if anything)-don't forget to love yourself and those close to you. They call it the golden rule for a reason.

Shake the crankies out.

Today I had to resort to some good old fashioned fresh air to get me out of a funk. And it worked-of course!

I woke up in a cheery enough mood-we had Sunday school and church-always an uplifting way to start the day. I think what started things going downhill was when we were leaving the church, my hubby was giving our boy a shoulder ride (something he often does with him, especially when we're trying to corral the kids). Well, hubby forgot to tell the little guy to duck his head as they went out the door-and wouldn't you know it? Goose-egg city! Now I'm not saying that made me get down, but after twenty minutes of listening to a crying toddler-I was starting to feel the pressure. Then when we got home it just ended up feeling like one of those days where I couldn't keep up with the constant requests of the family. Hubby went outside to do some much needed work and I fended for the rest of us. My niece had come to visit for the afternoon and a little neighbor girl came to play, so we had a full house. The kids were actually very good (especially the ones that weren't mine-why is that?) They just were taking time away from certain things I felt I needed to get done around the house.

That's when I realized.. "Stuff can wait, but I don't want to miss out on spending a Sunday afternoon with these great kids." My niece asked if they could play outside and I joined them. I shadowed their game of TV tag and helped them rake a good sized pile of leaves in the middle of my front yard-just so that they could enjoy jumping in them. After an hour or so outside in the cool autumn air, I was a little chilled, but happy-it really was a great day. Our guests returned home, I started getting the bread baked that I so badly wanted to make today and hubby helped while the kids had a little "chill out" time watching a movie.

Sometimes it is hard for me to let go of MY plans for what the little ones might want to do-but I have to remember this time is short, and usually if I give some time to them, they'll be more willing to mellow out and let Mom get some things done later. Ah... Life is good-get out and play!

Happy happy birthday baby.

When my daughter was still a toddler-a little over one-we decided it was time to start trying to expand our family. Based on previous experiences, we were fairly certain that this expansion wouldn't happen immediately. What we didn't expect was years instead of months of trying.

I also didn't expect the feeling of being SO alone. It was easy to find chat rooms about people struggling with infertility-with their first child. How could I unload my worries on those people when I already had a beautiful daughter of my own? I felt greedy-but I wanted more. The doctor found nothing wrong with us-why wasn't it easy? Secondary infertility is out there-if you are dealing with it you are not alone. Please don't lose faith.

Easy for me to say now, however at the time I almost lost my faith. How could God allow people who didn't even want a child to have the miracle happen to them-and not to me? I was already a loving mother and wife!

My husband, while loving me and trying to understand me in our struggle, just couldn't quite grasp it. He started our quest saying "Whatever happens, happens." Toward the end of this period of time he started saying "I really feel like our family is complete." After a couple of heartaches I started to believe him... A little over four years ago I gave away or sold a huge portion of our baby "stuff". I actually felt relieved-like a weight was lifted off of me. 6 months later-I was expecting.

Now as I lay here watching my almost 3 year old (tomorrow actually!) clutching a hot wheel in each hand-watching They Might Be Giants Here Comes Science-muttering "Milky Way" when the image comes on the screen, I think....

"I KNEW our family was missing something-this is it!!" I was missing the body slam-like hugs, the train track builder, even the "no kisses" cool kid. How could I have ever doubted? I know now that my family is complete-I feel it in my bones. Our plan is to be done. We have faith that this is Gods plan, too.

Has Momma found her place???

Why is it that when life starts to just get comfortable, things get turned upside down all over again?? Sometimes I think of life as a moss covered hiking trail-sometimes when we're climbing up we slip down and sometimes when we're sliding down we find a rock and catch ourselves and are able to right ourselves again. (All through the grace of God in my opinion).

I was comfortable a year ago in my old job as a title closer. I had been there over seven years, made decent enough money working 3 days a week and LOVED the peopled I worked with. Then I was laid off.... "slip sliding away" as Paul Simon says. I thought "This is it-the hard times that I KNEW would come at some point." But guess what?? We adjusted. I adjusted-adapted. I cut coupons and looked for sales. We made some sacrifices, but way fewer than I expected. I thrived in my new role as Mom at home. (Don't get me wrong, there were tough days, but there are on every job).

Then I got a phone call from an old contact-an attorney had a secretary who was expecting, he needed help during her maternity leave... I stepped in to help for the 7 weeks time. I have been working 4 days a week-the schedule has been tough-I haven't been able to meet the standards that I set for myself when I was home all the time-baking my own bread, a better organized more deeply cleaned house.

When I got hired for this job I thought I'd do my time, get done with 7 weeks and be home again. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have grown to really like the bosses and coworkers here. Sometimes the clients and cases are hard for me to face or know about (you can guess some of the types of clients attorneys have-it's not all sunshine and daisies). In fact, my first week I cried a few times, both over missing my little guy and just the sadness of knowing there is some bad stuff happening out there.

As I mentioned, I like the people I work with... One of the attorneys has been asking me to stay on after my time is up. It has been fairly easy to quickly respond with "I'm very honored, but no thank you, I need to be with my family right now." It has almost become a game-he knows how I'll answer, yet he keeps trying.... Well, Friday he said "You know you just need to come in and work one or two days a week so that you can keep in touch with all of us and what is going on-all the sordid details." (he like me is a "wordy" and likes to articulate-someone I've been enjoying bantering with).

So, now I'm slip sliding again-do I stay or do I go? Will it kill my kids to miss me one day a week? Will it kill me??? I don't think so. I think I know what I want to do-but would love any comments regarding this decision.

Thanks for the memories.

It's funny how watching a silly slapstick comedy was able to make me recall memories I haven't had in years. We watched Step Brothers last week and toward the end, one of the lead characters sang an Italian song made popular a decade ago by blind singer Andrea Bocelli-I don't recall what it is called, but the English version is called "Time to Say Goodbye".

I don't know if it was because our 10 year anniversary was fast approaching (this Friday) or I was feeling just relaxed enough since my benadryl was kicking in (darn Ragweed!)-but I was flooded with memories of our honeymoon in Italy: Warm air, windows wide open to the piazza below... Eating al fresco, drinking wine-lots of wine since it was cheaper to buy a house red than a bottle of water at most places... passionate nights in foreign beds.... It WAS our honeymoon after all.

It just amazes me how memories work. When we least expect it-a sound, a smell or a sight will bring us back to places we haven't visited (even in our minds) in many years. It's so great to have the opportunity to relive old experiences again. In fact, since the kids are officially off to bed now... I think I will go get a glass of red, join hubby on the front porch, close my eyes and take another trip down memory lane.