Happy happy birthday baby.

When my daughter was still a toddler-a little over one-we decided it was time to start trying to expand our family. Based on previous experiences, we were fairly certain that this expansion wouldn't happen immediately. What we didn't expect was years instead of months of trying.

I also didn't expect the feeling of being SO alone. It was easy to find chat rooms about people struggling with infertility-with their first child. How could I unload my worries on those people when I already had a beautiful daughter of my own? I felt greedy-but I wanted more. The doctor found nothing wrong with us-why wasn't it easy? Secondary infertility is out there-if you are dealing with it you are not alone. Please don't lose faith.

Easy for me to say now, however at the time I almost lost my faith. How could God allow people who didn't even want a child to have the miracle happen to them-and not to me? I was already a loving mother and wife!

My husband, while loving me and trying to understand me in our struggle, just couldn't quite grasp it. He started our quest saying "Whatever happens, happens." Toward the end of this period of time he started saying "I really feel like our family is complete." After a couple of heartaches I started to believe him... A little over four years ago I gave away or sold a huge portion of our baby "stuff". I actually felt relieved-like a weight was lifted off of me. 6 months later-I was expecting.

Now as I lay here watching my almost 3 year old (tomorrow actually!) clutching a hot wheel in each hand-watching They Might Be Giants Here Comes Science-muttering "Milky Way" when the image comes on the screen, I think....

"I KNEW our family was missing something-this is it!!" I was missing the body slam-like hugs, the train track builder, even the "no kisses" cool kid. How could I have ever doubted? I know now that my family is complete-I feel it in my bones. Our plan is to be done. We have faith that this is Gods plan, too.

Boys will be...

I reached a low note yesterday in my mothering "gig". My big girl is off school this week for Easter break-so I've been trying to make it as fun as possible for the three of us. In other words, I'm trying to keep us all from driving ourselves bonkers. While I was making the kids' favorite lunch, Mac N Cheese, they played in our family room. I called them to lunch and we all dug in we all enjoyed our lunch and each others company.

After I was finished eating I traipsed into the family room to see what the kids had been up to before lunch... Uh oh-there was Easter grass ALL over my family room (something I can actually understand-it IS fun to play with). I calmly let the kiddos know that they needed to clean it up while I was cleaning up from lunch. A few minutes later I ducked in to check-my little guy was throwing the grass around still (or again however you look at it)! I reminded the kids of what they needed to be doing-and they started collecting grass.

I bent down to pick up some books that were also on the ground when I realized-they were library books that my little guy had somehow found a marker and marked all over the cover of. I told him how that is NOT okay, we don't color on books, and I took the books to the kitchen to attempt to clean (luckily they cleaned easy). I then took the books back into the family room to discover my toddler once again throwing grass around like a flower girl. That's when I discovered the REST of the library books. They had been colored on also (all the while little man is singing and playing with the grass)! That is when I lost my temper-I yelled and dropped the books loudly on the ground so they would draw attention to MOM. I know it was ridiculous to get so worked up over books-but I love reading so much that I want my kids to feel attached to books also. It was almost like I saw my kid hurting some old friends. Silly, I know, but that's how it felt. I told my little guy to go to his room. I cleaned the book covers (once again they easily cleaned-thank goodness it must have been a washable marker.)

I then decided to go talk rationally to my little guy. That's when I realized that the poor little fellow was so startled by my sudden outburst that he was hiding under his bed. Guess who felt like the worst momma in the world? Well, I apologized of course. I then explained again about how we don't color on books and how if he did it again we would have to stop going to the library until he was old enough to understand this. He's only 2 1/2 so I don't know how much he understood, but I can only hope.

I guess I just had to let everyone know that I am not a perfect mom, but I'm trying to be the best mommy I can for my kids. On a lighter note-we had one of our nephews sleepover last night. It was pretty fun watching how he and our little guy interact. Of course our toddler wants to be just like his big cousin, and followed him around all day and night. I just had to share how the (almost) five year old woke us up this morning-it was about 20 minutes before our alarm was supposed to ring. "Bumpy" (that's what he calls my husband) he said loudly as he shook my husbands head, "Bumpy, it's time to wake up." "Good news Bumpy, Nate was sleeping, but I just woke him up!" Good news indeed. Gotta love them boys!