Resolutions!

Happy New Year! This is the time of year when many people decide on what resolutions they want to make-and then a week later what resolutions they want to keep ;-) . I have made resolutions in the past, I've been successful with some of them, but definitely NOT the whole lot. While I didn't make an official resolution this year, my dearest husband and I kind of came to a consensus about some things we can do to better our lives. We came up with a creed (or mission statement).

It's basically this: We will always strive to assure that our relationship and our family is positive and successful.

Sounds really simple, right? I mean, isn't that basically what you vow to do when you get married?? Well, when lives and schedules get hectic and we get stressed, I think that we sometimes forget about that basic principle. Love one another as we would love ourselves. Maybe we don't love ourselves enough to begin with (that explains a lot). I can't speak for every other married couple out there, but it is sometimes hard to always think about the "team" and we sometimes find ourselves turning into what my hubby so nicely calls "the Bickersons". I guess you would say the Bickersons are our evil twins who let things get in between them instead of drawing on each others strengths to stay closer together.

I don't really like the Bickersons much (I apologize to any real Bickersons out there-these guys ruined it for you).

So back to that mission statement-we have been doing fairly well since we came up with it this past weekend-things have been fairly quiet so it's been easy. Until last night. It's funny the little things that can just eat at a person.... I had to go to a church meeting right after supper last night. When I arrived home after the meeting (and picking up a movie for hubby and I to watch) it was half an hour after the kids' bedtimes. I knew there would be cleanup to do, but what I didn't expect was for the kids to still be up taking baths when I got home. I looked around at the messy house and thought about the kids that were not going to want to get up for school the next morning and I ALMOST made a snide comment to my husband. But then I thought about the fact that he has been having to leave earlier for work lately and the only time he has really gotten to see the kids is the short period from suppertime until bedtime... I asked him if they played and had fun, and surprise surprise, they had. I was able to turn my selfish (such a bad word) feelings of resentment into a more positive feeling of gratitude (I am so grateful that my husband is such a good Daddy-and wants to play with his kiddos.)




......(good Daddy and kids)......




Was I thrilled that we didn't get to start watching our movie until almost 10? No. Was I thrilled about the tired kids (and parents) this morning? Not really, but what good does it do to focus on something like that-we all survived and in the end had a great evening. So whatever it is you choose to change (if anything)-don't forget to love yourself and those close to you. They call it the golden rule for a reason.

Shake the crankies out.

Today I had to resort to some good old fashioned fresh air to get me out of a funk. And it worked-of course!

I woke up in a cheery enough mood-we had Sunday school and church-always an uplifting way to start the day. I think what started things going downhill was when we were leaving the church, my hubby was giving our boy a shoulder ride (something he often does with him, especially when we're trying to corral the kids). Well, hubby forgot to tell the little guy to duck his head as they went out the door-and wouldn't you know it? Goose-egg city! Now I'm not saying that made me get down, but after twenty minutes of listening to a crying toddler-I was starting to feel the pressure. Then when we got home it just ended up feeling like one of those days where I couldn't keep up with the constant requests of the family. Hubby went outside to do some much needed work and I fended for the rest of us. My niece had come to visit for the afternoon and a little neighbor girl came to play, so we had a full house. The kids were actually very good (especially the ones that weren't mine-why is that?) They just were taking time away from certain things I felt I needed to get done around the house.

That's when I realized.. "Stuff can wait, but I don't want to miss out on spending a Sunday afternoon with these great kids." My niece asked if they could play outside and I joined them. I shadowed their game of TV tag and helped them rake a good sized pile of leaves in the middle of my front yard-just so that they could enjoy jumping in them. After an hour or so outside in the cool autumn air, I was a little chilled, but happy-it really was a great day. Our guests returned home, I started getting the bread baked that I so badly wanted to make today and hubby helped while the kids had a little "chill out" time watching a movie.

Sometimes it is hard for me to let go of MY plans for what the little ones might want to do-but I have to remember this time is short, and usually if I give some time to them, they'll be more willing to mellow out and let Mom get some things done later. Ah... Life is good-get out and play!

Happy happy birthday baby.

When my daughter was still a toddler-a little over one-we decided it was time to start trying to expand our family. Based on previous experiences, we were fairly certain that this expansion wouldn't happen immediately. What we didn't expect was years instead of months of trying.

I also didn't expect the feeling of being SO alone. It was easy to find chat rooms about people struggling with infertility-with their first child. How could I unload my worries on those people when I already had a beautiful daughter of my own? I felt greedy-but I wanted more. The doctor found nothing wrong with us-why wasn't it easy? Secondary infertility is out there-if you are dealing with it you are not alone. Please don't lose faith.

Easy for me to say now, however at the time I almost lost my faith. How could God allow people who didn't even want a child to have the miracle happen to them-and not to me? I was already a loving mother and wife!

My husband, while loving me and trying to understand me in our struggle, just couldn't quite grasp it. He started our quest saying "Whatever happens, happens." Toward the end of this period of time he started saying "I really feel like our family is complete." After a couple of heartaches I started to believe him... A little over four years ago I gave away or sold a huge portion of our baby "stuff". I actually felt relieved-like a weight was lifted off of me. 6 months later-I was expecting.

Now as I lay here watching my almost 3 year old (tomorrow actually!) clutching a hot wheel in each hand-watching They Might Be Giants Here Comes Science-muttering "Milky Way" when the image comes on the screen, I think....

"I KNEW our family was missing something-this is it!!" I was missing the body slam-like hugs, the train track builder, even the "no kisses" cool kid. How could I have ever doubted? I know now that my family is complete-I feel it in my bones. Our plan is to be done. We have faith that this is Gods plan, too.

Has Momma found her place???

Why is it that when life starts to just get comfortable, things get turned upside down all over again?? Sometimes I think of life as a moss covered hiking trail-sometimes when we're climbing up we slip down and sometimes when we're sliding down we find a rock and catch ourselves and are able to right ourselves again. (All through the grace of God in my opinion).

I was comfortable a year ago in my old job as a title closer. I had been there over seven years, made decent enough money working 3 days a week and LOVED the peopled I worked with. Then I was laid off.... "slip sliding away" as Paul Simon says. I thought "This is it-the hard times that I KNEW would come at some point." But guess what?? We adjusted. I adjusted-adapted. I cut coupons and looked for sales. We made some sacrifices, but way fewer than I expected. I thrived in my new role as Mom at home. (Don't get me wrong, there were tough days, but there are on every job).

Then I got a phone call from an old contact-an attorney had a secretary who was expecting, he needed help during her maternity leave... I stepped in to help for the 7 weeks time. I have been working 4 days a week-the schedule has been tough-I haven't been able to meet the standards that I set for myself when I was home all the time-baking my own bread, a better organized more deeply cleaned house.

When I got hired for this job I thought I'd do my time, get done with 7 weeks and be home again. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have grown to really like the bosses and coworkers here. Sometimes the clients and cases are hard for me to face or know about (you can guess some of the types of clients attorneys have-it's not all sunshine and daisies). In fact, my first week I cried a few times, both over missing my little guy and just the sadness of knowing there is some bad stuff happening out there.

As I mentioned, I like the people I work with... One of the attorneys has been asking me to stay on after my time is up. It has been fairly easy to quickly respond with "I'm very honored, but no thank you, I need to be with my family right now." It has almost become a game-he knows how I'll answer, yet he keeps trying.... Well, Friday he said "You know you just need to come in and work one or two days a week so that you can keep in touch with all of us and what is going on-all the sordid details." (he like me is a "wordy" and likes to articulate-someone I've been enjoying bantering with).

So, now I'm slip sliding again-do I stay or do I go? Will it kill my kids to miss me one day a week? Will it kill me??? I don't think so. I think I know what I want to do-but would love any comments regarding this decision.

Thanks for the memories.

It's funny how watching a silly slapstick comedy was able to make me recall memories I haven't had in years. We watched Step Brothers last week and toward the end, one of the lead characters sang an Italian song made popular a decade ago by blind singer Andrea Bocelli-I don't recall what it is called, but the English version is called "Time to Say Goodbye".

I don't know if it was because our 10 year anniversary was fast approaching (this Friday) or I was feeling just relaxed enough since my benadryl was kicking in (darn Ragweed!)-but I was flooded with memories of our honeymoon in Italy: Warm air, windows wide open to the piazza below... Eating al fresco, drinking wine-lots of wine since it was cheaper to buy a house red than a bottle of water at most places... passionate nights in foreign beds.... It WAS our honeymoon after all.

It just amazes me how memories work. When we least expect it-a sound, a smell or a sight will bring us back to places we haven't visited (even in our minds) in many years. It's so great to have the opportunity to relive old experiences again. In fact, since the kids are officially off to bed now... I think I will go get a glass of red, join hubby on the front porch, close my eyes and take another trip down memory lane.

Bittersweet Memories..

Am I the only person that is struggling with feeling both extremely happy and sad this week? While I am so thrilled that my darling daughter is starting 2nd grade this week-another milestone on her list this summer: new loft bed & room/learning to ride a bike/losing her two front teeth-awww... I just feel so sad that the school break is ending, too. I think this is largely because I start work at a temp job on Monday.

This is also a bittersweet notion. I am happy that I'll be working outside of the home for just a short amount of time. I am happy to be able to work with some of the people that I used to be in contact with at my old job. I am happy to get away so that I can appreciate my kids all the more (absence makes the heart grow fonder?) However, I am sad that after paying the babysitter her nominal fee (and I mean nominal-she is excellent and low priced) I will be making less than unemployment was paying me. I am sad that I will be away from my little guy 4 days a week-especially since big sis is starting school and it was getting back to just the two of us during the day. What it really boils down to is that overall I'm happy to help out a gentleman that I have a lot of respect for by temping at his office. If it weren't for that swing vote-I'd have turned down the offer and "tightened the belt" a wee bit more-it's going to be hard to be away from my kids that much!

I'm also very happy to provide my family with a... (ahem) clean and tidy house, clean clothes folded and put away, hot meals most nights and now even home baked bread. I am also so happy to take my children to all kinds of fun places: parks, zoos, pools, beaches... I wonder sometimes why these things are not appreciated nearly as much as the fact that as soon as Daddy walks in the door, he throws himself down on the floor to be trampled over. I also wonder why my two year old will tell me point blank that "no, you can't push me (on the swing)... Daddy do it." I know it is silly to let any of this bother me-I usually laugh about it. In fact my husband is every bit the father that I dreamed of for my children. I am SO LUCKY to have him in my life, in our lives. It's just hard sometimes to feel like the butler/maid/nanny waiting in the wings for the next request.

I'm sure this feeling will pass, especially next week when I'm a "working girl" again. I did speak with hubby and he is already agreeable to pitching in a bit more so that we can keep things on an even keel. How will it go? I'll keep you posted.

The message

Hello fellow bloggers and visitors. I am still alive, I've just been VERY busy this summer-we've been working on my daughter's room-turning it from a little boys theme to an appropriate room for a 7 year old girl. All we have left to paint is her bookcase and find a desk for her and she's set-as soon as those are done, I'll post pictures! Although things are still quite busy for me and probably will be until school starts (or even after-I have been offered a temp job at a local attorney's office while his secretary is on maternity leave end of August until sometime in October).

I felt compelled to post today-I had a nightmare last night that opened my eyes. I dreamt that I was at a friends apartment with a lot of 10-13 year old kids. My children weren't there and I knew they were safe, I also knew that I had the appropriate markings to be safe, but what it boiled down to was that an assassin was coming to slaughter any kids that did not have the right sticker on their wrist. I was just sitting there waiting for the doorbell to ring, knowing that "at least I'm safe and my children are safe". The doorbell rang, the host let the "man" (I use this term lightly as he was no more than a teenage boy himself) in. He checked my wrist and moved on-the kids were sitting on the floor-playing video games or singing-I'm not sure, but they were having fun. He went to the first girl and checked her wrist-I remember him lifting it up so gently like a friend would. Then he said "I'm sorry." and took out a large knife. That's when I realized that I could NOT sit by and just watch this happen-it wasn't enough that my kids were safe and I was safe-I didn't try anything before because I thought it wouldn't help.... I was scared. But now I KNEW I had to do something. I ran towards the assassin with all my might and yelled at the top of my lungs "RUN!!!"

That's when I woke up. The scariest part of the dream was that I had sat so long not even trying anything to help those kids. I thought for a little while and realized-I'm doing that now. There are kids in the world that are sick, scared and dying. Because I don't see them and because I give to various charities, I feel like I've done enough-plus MY kids are safe.... I'm safe....

NOT ENOUGH.

I know that God wants more of me-he just gave me a wake-up call. I don't have a lot to give, but I have more than others. Plus, I have this blog-a perfect spot to get other people's attentions. All I'm saying is to do what you can, don't think that you can't help-you can. I'm posting some links to some of my favorite children charities-I invite you to comment with any more links to charities you can think of, too. Maybe together we can make a difference in children's lives.

Unicef-Unite for Children: (one of my faves-who remembers trick or treat for Unicef?)
www.unicef.org

One (fighting aids):
www.one.org

Feed the Children (both in United States and worldwide)
www.feedthechildren.org

All right, that's a few, I know there are many more great charities out there. My challenge to you is to give if you can, but also, please let us know of any more great charities out there that might need our help. Also, there are many local organizations that are trying to help kids, too. I for one will be donating to our local "Feed our children" charity-providing free lunch to hungry kids in our community. Don't forget that donations are usually tax deductible and you feel GREAT giving back. Good luck and God bless!