A Few Good Men

Today I heard that a friend of mine was hurt by some harsh words. These words came from the mouths of young men around 18 years old. I feel fortunate that most of the young men I know at this age are in my Sunday School class (or recent graduates) and are very respectful and non offensive with their vocabulary.

I just don't get why young people (and even less-than-young people) feel the need to use words to hurt and feel powerful over others. To feel truly empowered you must actually give of yourself to others. I guess it doesn't make much sense to see it in words, but it makes sense to me.

The bottom line is-sticks and stones break bones, and words DO hurt. My hope is that my son can grow up to be like some of the kind young men I know from Sunday school as opposed to the punks who don't think before they speak (or act for that matter.)

I will continue to try to teach by example and raise him to remember that other girls are somebody's sister, mother, wife or daughter and they deserve the respect and care we all need.

Back from the brink.

Hello people of the internet world. How are you? "You're girl is lovely, Hubbel."

Sorry to be so nostalgic, I just think that quote from "The Way We Were" is one of the best post-break-up-meet-each-other-on-the-street-and-be-cool-about-it lines in history.

I apologize that I have been away so long. I really apologize to myself-as I wandered away from blog-land to pursue a greater endeavor of writing a novel for youth and also picture books for smaller children. I passionately dove into the work of building this world for this wonderful group of characters based roughly on you guessed it-my family.

Strike that-I'm not sorry about writing a book, but I AM sorry that I got a bad case of writer's block and haven't written much of ANYTHING in the past few months. So, I get back to my "roots" I will continue to "just keep writing" for my novel, or my children books or the play idea I came up with from a dream, or even just in my journal. I will from time to time be checking in with my internet persona. I forgot how nice (and sometimes scary) it is to know that I can write something, click a button and the whole world can see it, if they so choose.

Lord knows I can use some positive feedback considering I received my third rejection letter-which isn't what hurts. What hurts is that the editor used IMPROPER GRAMMAR in her letter. She told me "I enjoyed reading YOU story." I capitalized the word you to show what is driving me crazy. Now I know I make mistakes, but that just seems ridiculous-this is her profession. Anyways, I'll get off my high horse-or maybe just stay on it and mosey out of town....

"Happy trails to you, until we meet again..."

Resolutions!

Happy New Year! This is the time of year when many people decide on what resolutions they want to make-and then a week later what resolutions they want to keep ;-) . I have made resolutions in the past, I've been successful with some of them, but definitely NOT the whole lot. While I didn't make an official resolution this year, my dearest husband and I kind of came to a consensus about some things we can do to better our lives. We came up with a creed (or mission statement).

It's basically this: We will always strive to assure that our relationship and our family is positive and successful.

Sounds really simple, right? I mean, isn't that basically what you vow to do when you get married?? Well, when lives and schedules get hectic and we get stressed, I think that we sometimes forget about that basic principle. Love one another as we would love ourselves. Maybe we don't love ourselves enough to begin with (that explains a lot). I can't speak for every other married couple out there, but it is sometimes hard to always think about the "team" and we sometimes find ourselves turning into what my hubby so nicely calls "the Bickersons". I guess you would say the Bickersons are our evil twins who let things get in between them instead of drawing on each others strengths to stay closer together.

I don't really like the Bickersons much (I apologize to any real Bickersons out there-these guys ruined it for you).

So back to that mission statement-we have been doing fairly well since we came up with it this past weekend-things have been fairly quiet so it's been easy. Until last night. It's funny the little things that can just eat at a person.... I had to go to a church meeting right after supper last night. When I arrived home after the meeting (and picking up a movie for hubby and I to watch) it was half an hour after the kids' bedtimes. I knew there would be cleanup to do, but what I didn't expect was for the kids to still be up taking baths when I got home. I looked around at the messy house and thought about the kids that were not going to want to get up for school the next morning and I ALMOST made a snide comment to my husband. But then I thought about the fact that he has been having to leave earlier for work lately and the only time he has really gotten to see the kids is the short period from suppertime until bedtime... I asked him if they played and had fun, and surprise surprise, they had. I was able to turn my selfish (such a bad word) feelings of resentment into a more positive feeling of gratitude (I am so grateful that my husband is such a good Daddy-and wants to play with his kiddos.)




......(good Daddy and kids)......




Was I thrilled that we didn't get to start watching our movie until almost 10? No. Was I thrilled about the tired kids (and parents) this morning? Not really, but what good does it do to focus on something like that-we all survived and in the end had a great evening. So whatever it is you choose to change (if anything)-don't forget to love yourself and those close to you. They call it the golden rule for a reason.

Shake the crankies out.

Today I had to resort to some good old fashioned fresh air to get me out of a funk. And it worked-of course!

I woke up in a cheery enough mood-we had Sunday school and church-always an uplifting way to start the day. I think what started things going downhill was when we were leaving the church, my hubby was giving our boy a shoulder ride (something he often does with him, especially when we're trying to corral the kids). Well, hubby forgot to tell the little guy to duck his head as they went out the door-and wouldn't you know it? Goose-egg city! Now I'm not saying that made me get down, but after twenty minutes of listening to a crying toddler-I was starting to feel the pressure. Then when we got home it just ended up feeling like one of those days where I couldn't keep up with the constant requests of the family. Hubby went outside to do some much needed work and I fended for the rest of us. My niece had come to visit for the afternoon and a little neighbor girl came to play, so we had a full house. The kids were actually very good (especially the ones that weren't mine-why is that?) They just were taking time away from certain things I felt I needed to get done around the house.

That's when I realized.. "Stuff can wait, but I don't want to miss out on spending a Sunday afternoon with these great kids." My niece asked if they could play outside and I joined them. I shadowed their game of TV tag and helped them rake a good sized pile of leaves in the middle of my front yard-just so that they could enjoy jumping in them. After an hour or so outside in the cool autumn air, I was a little chilled, but happy-it really was a great day. Our guests returned home, I started getting the bread baked that I so badly wanted to make today and hubby helped while the kids had a little "chill out" time watching a movie.

Sometimes it is hard for me to let go of MY plans for what the little ones might want to do-but I have to remember this time is short, and usually if I give some time to them, they'll be more willing to mellow out and let Mom get some things done later. Ah... Life is good-get out and play!

Happy happy birthday baby.

When my daughter was still a toddler-a little over one-we decided it was time to start trying to expand our family. Based on previous experiences, we were fairly certain that this expansion wouldn't happen immediately. What we didn't expect was years instead of months of trying.

I also didn't expect the feeling of being SO alone. It was easy to find chat rooms about people struggling with infertility-with their first child. How could I unload my worries on those people when I already had a beautiful daughter of my own? I felt greedy-but I wanted more. The doctor found nothing wrong with us-why wasn't it easy? Secondary infertility is out there-if you are dealing with it you are not alone. Please don't lose faith.

Easy for me to say now, however at the time I almost lost my faith. How could God allow people who didn't even want a child to have the miracle happen to them-and not to me? I was already a loving mother and wife!

My husband, while loving me and trying to understand me in our struggle, just couldn't quite grasp it. He started our quest saying "Whatever happens, happens." Toward the end of this period of time he started saying "I really feel like our family is complete." After a couple of heartaches I started to believe him... A little over four years ago I gave away or sold a huge portion of our baby "stuff". I actually felt relieved-like a weight was lifted off of me. 6 months later-I was expecting.

Now as I lay here watching my almost 3 year old (tomorrow actually!) clutching a hot wheel in each hand-watching They Might Be Giants Here Comes Science-muttering "Milky Way" when the image comes on the screen, I think....

"I KNEW our family was missing something-this is it!!" I was missing the body slam-like hugs, the train track builder, even the "no kisses" cool kid. How could I have ever doubted? I know now that my family is complete-I feel it in my bones. Our plan is to be done. We have faith that this is Gods plan, too.

Has Momma found her place???

Why is it that when life starts to just get comfortable, things get turned upside down all over again?? Sometimes I think of life as a moss covered hiking trail-sometimes when we're climbing up we slip down and sometimes when we're sliding down we find a rock and catch ourselves and are able to right ourselves again. (All through the grace of God in my opinion).

I was comfortable a year ago in my old job as a title closer. I had been there over seven years, made decent enough money working 3 days a week and LOVED the peopled I worked with. Then I was laid off.... "slip sliding away" as Paul Simon says. I thought "This is it-the hard times that I KNEW would come at some point." But guess what?? We adjusted. I adjusted-adapted. I cut coupons and looked for sales. We made some sacrifices, but way fewer than I expected. I thrived in my new role as Mom at home. (Don't get me wrong, there were tough days, but there are on every job).

Then I got a phone call from an old contact-an attorney had a secretary who was expecting, he needed help during her maternity leave... I stepped in to help for the 7 weeks time. I have been working 4 days a week-the schedule has been tough-I haven't been able to meet the standards that I set for myself when I was home all the time-baking my own bread, a better organized more deeply cleaned house.

When I got hired for this job I thought I'd do my time, get done with 7 weeks and be home again. Fortunately or unfortunately, I have grown to really like the bosses and coworkers here. Sometimes the clients and cases are hard for me to face or know about (you can guess some of the types of clients attorneys have-it's not all sunshine and daisies). In fact, my first week I cried a few times, both over missing my little guy and just the sadness of knowing there is some bad stuff happening out there.

As I mentioned, I like the people I work with... One of the attorneys has been asking me to stay on after my time is up. It has been fairly easy to quickly respond with "I'm very honored, but no thank you, I need to be with my family right now." It has almost become a game-he knows how I'll answer, yet he keeps trying.... Well, Friday he said "You know you just need to come in and work one or two days a week so that you can keep in touch with all of us and what is going on-all the sordid details." (he like me is a "wordy" and likes to articulate-someone I've been enjoying bantering with).

So, now I'm slip sliding again-do I stay or do I go? Will it kill my kids to miss me one day a week? Will it kill me??? I don't think so. I think I know what I want to do-but would love any comments regarding this decision.

Thanks for the memories.

It's funny how watching a silly slapstick comedy was able to make me recall memories I haven't had in years. We watched Step Brothers last week and toward the end, one of the lead characters sang an Italian song made popular a decade ago by blind singer Andrea Bocelli-I don't recall what it is called, but the English version is called "Time to Say Goodbye".

I don't know if it was because our 10 year anniversary was fast approaching (this Friday) or I was feeling just relaxed enough since my benadryl was kicking in (darn Ragweed!)-but I was flooded with memories of our honeymoon in Italy: Warm air, windows wide open to the piazza below... Eating al fresco, drinking wine-lots of wine since it was cheaper to buy a house red than a bottle of water at most places... passionate nights in foreign beds.... It WAS our honeymoon after all.

It just amazes me how memories work. When we least expect it-a sound, a smell or a sight will bring us back to places we haven't visited (even in our minds) in many years. It's so great to have the opportunity to relive old experiences again. In fact, since the kids are officially off to bed now... I think I will go get a glass of red, join hubby on the front porch, close my eyes and take another trip down memory lane.

Bittersweet Memories..

Am I the only person that is struggling with feeling both extremely happy and sad this week? While I am so thrilled that my darling daughter is starting 2nd grade this week-another milestone on her list this summer: new loft bed & room/learning to ride a bike/losing her two front teeth-awww... I just feel so sad that the school break is ending, too. I think this is largely because I start work at a temp job on Monday.

This is also a bittersweet notion. I am happy that I'll be working outside of the home for just a short amount of time. I am happy to be able to work with some of the people that I used to be in contact with at my old job. I am happy to get away so that I can appreciate my kids all the more (absence makes the heart grow fonder?) However, I am sad that after paying the babysitter her nominal fee (and I mean nominal-she is excellent and low priced) I will be making less than unemployment was paying me. I am sad that I will be away from my little guy 4 days a week-especially since big sis is starting school and it was getting back to just the two of us during the day. What it really boils down to is that overall I'm happy to help out a gentleman that I have a lot of respect for by temping at his office. If it weren't for that swing vote-I'd have turned down the offer and "tightened the belt" a wee bit more-it's going to be hard to be away from my kids that much!

I'm also very happy to provide my family with a... (ahem) clean and tidy house, clean clothes folded and put away, hot meals most nights and now even home baked bread. I am also so happy to take my children to all kinds of fun places: parks, zoos, pools, beaches... I wonder sometimes why these things are not appreciated nearly as much as the fact that as soon as Daddy walks in the door, he throws himself down on the floor to be trampled over. I also wonder why my two year old will tell me point blank that "no, you can't push me (on the swing)... Daddy do it." I know it is silly to let any of this bother me-I usually laugh about it. In fact my husband is every bit the father that I dreamed of for my children. I am SO LUCKY to have him in my life, in our lives. It's just hard sometimes to feel like the butler/maid/nanny waiting in the wings for the next request.

I'm sure this feeling will pass, especially next week when I'm a "working girl" again. I did speak with hubby and he is already agreeable to pitching in a bit more so that we can keep things on an even keel. How will it go? I'll keep you posted.

The message

Hello fellow bloggers and visitors. I am still alive, I've just been VERY busy this summer-we've been working on my daughter's room-turning it from a little boys theme to an appropriate room for a 7 year old girl. All we have left to paint is her bookcase and find a desk for her and she's set-as soon as those are done, I'll post pictures! Although things are still quite busy for me and probably will be until school starts (or even after-I have been offered a temp job at a local attorney's office while his secretary is on maternity leave end of August until sometime in October).

I felt compelled to post today-I had a nightmare last night that opened my eyes. I dreamt that I was at a friends apartment with a lot of 10-13 year old kids. My children weren't there and I knew they were safe, I also knew that I had the appropriate markings to be safe, but what it boiled down to was that an assassin was coming to slaughter any kids that did not have the right sticker on their wrist. I was just sitting there waiting for the doorbell to ring, knowing that "at least I'm safe and my children are safe". The doorbell rang, the host let the "man" (I use this term lightly as he was no more than a teenage boy himself) in. He checked my wrist and moved on-the kids were sitting on the floor-playing video games or singing-I'm not sure, but they were having fun. He went to the first girl and checked her wrist-I remember him lifting it up so gently like a friend would. Then he said "I'm sorry." and took out a large knife. That's when I realized that I could NOT sit by and just watch this happen-it wasn't enough that my kids were safe and I was safe-I didn't try anything before because I thought it wouldn't help.... I was scared. But now I KNEW I had to do something. I ran towards the assassin with all my might and yelled at the top of my lungs "RUN!!!"

That's when I woke up. The scariest part of the dream was that I had sat so long not even trying anything to help those kids. I thought for a little while and realized-I'm doing that now. There are kids in the world that are sick, scared and dying. Because I don't see them and because I give to various charities, I feel like I've done enough-plus MY kids are safe.... I'm safe....

NOT ENOUGH.

I know that God wants more of me-he just gave me a wake-up call. I don't have a lot to give, but I have more than others. Plus, I have this blog-a perfect spot to get other people's attentions. All I'm saying is to do what you can, don't think that you can't help-you can. I'm posting some links to some of my favorite children charities-I invite you to comment with any more links to charities you can think of, too. Maybe together we can make a difference in children's lives.

Unicef-Unite for Children: (one of my faves-who remembers trick or treat for Unicef?)
www.unicef.org

One (fighting aids):
www.one.org

Feed the Children (both in United States and worldwide)
www.feedthechildren.org

All right, that's a few, I know there are many more great charities out there. My challenge to you is to give if you can, but also, please let us know of any more great charities out there that might need our help. Also, there are many local organizations that are trying to help kids, too. I for one will be donating to our local "Feed our children" charity-providing free lunch to hungry kids in our community. Don't forget that donations are usually tax deductible and you feel GREAT giving back. Good luck and God bless!

Like sands through the hourglass..

I'm finally posting today-sorry it's been a while. I've been helping at Vacation Bible School (VBS) at my church this week every morning. It has been a great experience (hopefully) helping kids to know God better. I know I wouldn't have been able to participate like this if I was still working, so I'm grateful I can be there.

As awesome as this whole experience is, it also wore me (and my kids) out! Which meant my kids have been a little bit "owly" in the afternoon/evening time lately. Tonight in particular was interesting-as my hubby and I were breathing a sigh of relief (and contemplating our "yippee the kids are in bed!" cocktail") my daughter felt the need to get out of bed and come holler that her little brother is out of bed. Ugh!

I wouldn't trade this week for the world, though. A high point for me was yesterday.... (dramatic pause).... I turned 35! It was a great day (ornery kids and all). After VBS (where some of the kids made me a special necklace AND I got flowers from my niece and nephews) and a quick lunch, we went to my favorite park for a spell (yep, I'm bringin' it back-it's a cute expression). Then we headed to our favorite ice cream parlor, headed back home, had some pizza and I got dolled up to spend some time with my sister and mother and crew.

As I looked in the mirror (all the while hubby was trying to get the rapscallions to bed-haha!) I liked what I saw. Yes, I wish my waistline is a little smaller-I won't be wearing any bikinis any time soon, or ever for that matter... But my skin is (fairly) clear, my face has a "sun-kissed" look to it, which is so nice, because it means I can get by with little to no makeup. This is the most sun I have been able to get in years-when I was working I just couldn't find enough time to get outside-now we're out every day we can. With time flying by like it is, I'm so glad that I can take some time to be with my kids.

PS & FYI-we signed our refinance papers today. We were able to bring our monthly mortgage payment down by over $120. Calculate that by 30 years and it makes a HUGE difference. Mortgage rates are starting to creep up, but they are still much lower than they were a few years ago, so if you're in the position to refi & haven't yet-it's something to think about.

Beneath the Midwestern Moon

My post title is my little homage to Frances Mayes' book, "Under the Tuscan Sun". A story I read a decade ago as I was nearing a huge change in my life-matrimony. A coworker had lent it to me, as she had heard we were going to Italy on our honeymoon. I read the book, enjoyed it, perused the recipes that were also included in the book, but gave it back without cooking a single one (I wasn't even a newlywed yet, so most of our meals were mac'n'cheese.) I really hadn't thought about the book in years-the last time being when a movie came out and was actually released on video-hubby and I watched it and I enjoyed it, but had a hard time getting past some major differences between the movie and book (a struggle I often have).

Recently the movie was playing on one of our extended cable channels, so I recorded it-a good late evening entertainment when there isn't anything on. Watching the movie again reminded me of how much I liked the book. I told my hubby that if I could find it second hand I was going to buy it and THIS TIME I was going to cook some of those delicious recipes included. A few days later the kids and I were perusing the local Goodwill store as a timekiller (1st week of no school and a rainy forecast) and what do I find, but Under the Tuscan Sun! I snatched it up like it was a rare piece of jewelry. What a find!

I also on impulse bought a book circa the 70's about running a household-it's been actually fun reading about quick clean-ups involving emptying your ashtrays first and looking our best for hubby when he gets home. I think the best part about that book was a vintage postcard of a Florida hotel circa 60's or 70's-it's so fun to look at and just wonder-is it still there? Who went there and who was the postcard meant for (unfortunately it was never filled out or mailed)?

All of this nostalgia, along with re-reading a favorite from 10 years ago (my how my life has changed!), plus the fact that I will be turning 35 in less than two weeks has put me in some sort of state of "walking down memory lane". Today I dug out a sort of journal that my Grandmother filled out for me about her life when I was not much older than my daughter is today-I haven't looked at it in a few years, so it was very cool to get re-acquainted with it and my Grandma in turn. I'm planning on sharing it with my daughter very soon as she already adores her great grandmother, and would love to know more about her.

The previously mentioned postcard has put me on a mission-I have a plain wood tray in my family room sitting on an end table. The postcard inspired me to mod podge more postcards to the tray, then cover with a shellac to finish. I started my hunt for more postcards Friday, a local rummage sale listing advertised Antique postcards. I went with my two and somehow managed to lightly skim the full container of cards to find five to take home with a toddler on my hip for the duration. That evening as I was showing hubby my finds-he found the most exciting surprise about my new purchases. two of the cards had one cent stamps on them, and one of these had a postmark of the year 1908-THESE POSTCARDS WERE OVER 100 YEARS OLD! Obviously, those two are not going to be shellacked. I keep reading the messages on them over and over as if I'm peering into their soul-who were these people (sender and sendee)? Friends? Lovers? I can only guess... I do know one thing... I may have a new hobby.

Good ol' hospitality

I'd like to talk a little bit about the seemingly dying art of hospitality (and graciousness to boot). The general definition of hospitality pertains mostly to kind and courteous treatment of guests and/or strangers, but to me it means a little something more. My southern belle neighbor definitely knows a little bit about this custom and has inspired me to pass it on...

She asked me to feed her fish and cat and water her garden while she and her family were visiting with relatives in Tennessee. I gladly agreed-they live just two doors down, so it's a pretty easy job-plus my little guy has actually enjoyed "helping" in the task. My first day of our "tasks" I noticed a package and a card on her dining room table with my name on it. Wouldn't you know it, she left me two loaves of homemade bread, a small painting of her husband's doing that I had been eyeing for months, a craft toy & summer toy for the kids along with a homemade card with a beautiful photograph on the front. All this for so little work? At first I was shocked, but then it sunk in... This is just like her-so giving, so caring, so kind. I am truly blessed to have this woman in my life as though she is (a teensy bit) younger than me, she is a great inspiration to me. That evening I made a small batch of chocolate caramel brownies to give to other neighbor/friends (have I mentioned how much I love our neighborhood?) that were kind enough to watch our little guy during my Grandmother's funeral the previous weekend. Pay it forward, right?

As much as I love my neighborhood, I think it has been going through some growing pains lately. We have new neighbors, that seem to have a different type of parenting style than the rest of the neighborhood. It seems pretty much like it's just let the kids run around all day without knowing where they are or what they're doing, followed by intense yelling. Many times we have had several children from this family (I think the Mommy babysits her nieces and nephews) pushing my kids out of the way to climb on my swing set without even asking if they may. We are trying to have a firm yet kind stand on this subject, so it's pretty much the rule now that you MUST ask first, and if you push, hit, swear or do anything else inappropriate, you have to go home. We are trying to give as much attention and praise (for positive behavior) as possible, as these children just seem to eat it up like they're starved for it. We are praying every night to find a way to make a difference.

On Sunday I feel my hospitality was put to the test with one of the little boys. He came over while my hubby, kids and I were out playing on the swing set. To look at him made me cringe a little as he had dirt caked all over his face and (I think) boogies hanging from his nose. He asked very politely if he could swing, and of course we said yes. One of our rules is that no kids may be on our swing set while no adults are supervising-at this point that was no problem as we were all out. However, I knew I needed to get down to the neighbors and water her plants, so I mentioned it to hubby. Half an hour later hubby said he was going to take my kids over to visit another neighbor, but neighbor boy wanted to swing a little longer. So, even though every part of me was itching to get my "jobs" done while my children were off and occupied with their Daddy, I stayed and talked with the little guy. I answered a lot of questions for him-like "What is sand?" and "What are seasons?" I felt like a bond was growing with this little guy and I no longer saw the dirt on his face, I saw an adorable little boy who is dying for attention and affection. After half an hour of chatting I decided I better get moving before suppertime, so I walked him home hand in hand. He wanted to ride a big wheel on his sidewalk and he said "Will you stay and watch me?" How could I resist? I told him I'd stay for just a few minutes more and watch him, but then I needed to get my jobs done. He rode down the block, turning back every few feet to make sure I was still there-I waved and smiled my best smile (the one I smile when my kids do amazing things) for him every time, and every time he smiled a huge smile and waved back. After a few minutes, I said goodbye and promised that as soon as my "jobs" were done, I'd come back and wave at him. I just felt like the kid might do well with having some promises kept (not that I know his parents or whether they keep promises, it's just the vibe I was getting from him). I came back and waved, and a few minutes later he was back at my swing set playing with my returned family. Not much later he was being yelled for and he had to go home (perhaps he didn't let them know he was leaving-even though I asked if he had?). He looked up at me and said "Will you PLEASE walk me home?" So, once again, hand in had we walked to his back path and he raced off to his house. I realized I was feeling pangs similar to the ones I felt when my daughter started school. I'm just so glad to know that kid, and I look forward to the opportunity to get to know him and the rest of the kids in his family better throughout the summer. What was looking like a dreary neighborhood forecast (and could still be-but I'm not paying it mind) for this summer is now looking like a silver lining-we can make a difference in a child's life.

Gray hairs galore.

I think my son is trying to give me about a zillion gray hairs. He is so fearless that I have assumed all of the fear myself and then some. I already mentioned how he chased a bird last week. Well since then he has also woken up before everyone else in the family, gone down to the kitchen gotten a strawberry and a knife to cut the stem off (since that's what Mommy always does). My hubby heard some scuffling, and found him with the knife on our couch "stabbing" it (thankfully it wasn't a sharp knife and didn't break through). Little man was nice enough to point out that it was okay that he was using the knife because it was "a small knife, Dad!".

Ugh-I can feel those gray hairs coming. Plus we're trying to teach him the importance of using our words instead of getting physical, ie: saying "I'm mad." instead of hitting someone. My daughter gave us a few scares at this age, but he has given us more scares in one week than I think she ever has given us! I know every child is different, and I love his moxie, but he is driving his Momma up the wall! I am watching him like a hawk, but he still manages to climb on everything and anything in his reach. I am SO happy that he is sleeping now so that I can relax (a little!). I think I'm going to go sit down with a (much deserved) glass of wine. I've attached a video of the kids at the park-notice how after the car honks, little guy looks back at Sis and then hits her with the stick. See why I'm getting gray?

Week's End Update

Hello Strangers! Sorry that it's taken me so long to post, it just has been a VERY long week. Let me give a quick rundown of the most memorable moments, and I'm off to be with family (you'll understand better in a moment)

1. I lost my little guy on Tuesday-we were outside painting, he was going toward the front of our house and I went to set down my paint roller to go get him-then he was gone. I cannot explain the gut wrenching feeling that overtook me. I searched frantically in the nearby yards, neighbors, and called my sister as I knew she was nearby also. Then, like a miracle he was there he told me that he was "chasing a bird" Little man was followed by a guardian angel-a senior man from one block down was following him and very forcefully reminded me of how bad I mother I was to lose my child. I didn't need any reminding-I felt like the worst mother in the whole world. Now I know what those mothers mean when they say "I just turned around for a minute." I still hyperventilate thinking about it now. I know a couple of very important things now- Junior is now not afraid to leave our yard or cross the street-so as they say in one of the Harry Potter books "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" (not that I was letting him run willy nilly before, but he's fearless and the next point is:) , little man is MUCH faster than I ever gave him credit for. I have never had this happen with my daughter (she's too pokey), so it's a new experience that I hope I NEVER have to go through again.

2. I got to chaperone at my daughter's school field trip-that was a fun experience, and I didn't lose a single child (seriously, I was on those poor seven year olds like flies on honey-they might have felt a little smothered, but too bad.) My girl said that it was the "best field trip ever". I 'd like to think that part of that was because I was able to go-if I was working that might not have been the case.

3. My grandmother passed away early yesterday. It's so hard to see my mother having to let go of her mother. She just stopped by and seems to be holding up well, but of course I worry-she's my mom. We are taking the kids over to her place for dinner tonight (one of her friends provided a big pot of sloppy joes and all the fixin's)-so I'm looking forward to getting to spend some more time with her. I wish I would have spent more time with my grandmother-I feel like I don't know who she was very well-that's probably what's the hardest for me.

Well, that's the three major bullet points of my week in random order-obviously I've had some frayed nerves and with the visitation/funeral happening tomorrow, there will be more to come. If you pray, say a little one for my family?

What I woke up to this morning.

Apparently the little guy was more alert this morning than the rest of the family. When our alarm went off (and my hubby hit the snooze like usual) I settled back in for our "Five more". I was just starting to drift off when I heard some noises coming from down in our dining room... Uh oh. On a school day (and really most days) this is NOT a welcoming sound. It means that either my seven year old woke up and decided to make breakfast for everyone instead of getting dressed and making her bed like she's supposed to do on school days OR the little rascal is foraging!

I made it down the stairs in double time to find him sitting at the dining room table with a cup with hot cocoa mix in it, dipping his fingers in it and also, a carton of ice cream (thankfully nearly empty to begin with). Of course he had chocolate all over his face! At least he had his dairy group. I think what cracked me up the most was that he was eating his ice cream with a miniature child's whisk.

It was definitely a way to wake up-not necessarily good, but a way. I actually had a hard time hiding my giggles while hubby explained to little guy why ice cream and cocoa aren't the best breakfast choices. So have a great night-and if you need a pick-me-up in the morning, there's always dry cocoa and ice cream-via whisk!

Rollercoaster of life.

Happy Mother's day to all the Momma's out there. I hope it was a good one for everyone. I've had kind of a crazy/weird/sad/busy week. Let me see if I can bring everyone up to speed.

First off, my Grandmother is in the hospital not doing well, they've called in Hospice. If anyone has lost a loved one, they might know what calling in Hospice means.. I visited her shortly yesterday morning and she was in a lot of pain at the time. It's very sad to watch this going on-I wasn't closest with my Grandmother, but I love her, and I hate seeing my Mother go through losing her Mother. Umm.... Not going to talk anymore about that right now, it makes me too sad..

On a bright note, my sister, my nephew and I had an interview with a reporter from the local paper about our Walk Now for Autism-happening this upcoming Saturday in Chicago. The article is set to print tomorrow, so I'm anxious to see how it turns out.

Another shining point in my week was taking my daughter to our church's Mother Daughter Banquet. This year the entertainment was a Talent Show. My daughter was slated to sing while her cousin played piano. She had been very nervous when she was first asked to perform, so I told her I would do something for the talent show, also. So, I've been practicing for weeks on my guitar. The big night was Friday, and I performed "Yellow" by Coldplay, a song that I have sung to my dear girl since she was just a somersaulter in my tummy. I admit that I messed up, but I kept going-and I was so proud to show my girl that it's okay to get out of your comfort zone and keep going. I was quite proud of my little singer, too-both the girls did a great job!

Today was another crazy day as my girl and her cousin hosted a bake sale after church to raise funds for our walk. Also, I was liturgist for the first time ever-talk about being out of my comfort zone this week! After church we had a quick lunch, then headed to one of our favorite parks to attempt a hike-I was actually surprised-the little guy handled it fairly well-though the hubby did have to carry him some. Everyone in our family was tired and a little cranky tonight, so it was early bedtime for everyone (apparently even hubby-he was snoring away while I watched a "chick flick").

While I sat in bed trying to read, then thinking about sleeping, but not even trying because I know it's not going to come to me right now, I just feel so jumbled with my emotions. I don't know whether I'm happy or sad. Why does life (and death) have to be so complicated-our emotions get to jumbled.... I'm usually the type of gal that wears her heart on her sleeve-you can usually tell exactly what I feel. Right this moment I'm just feeling alone. The house is too quiet (other than the snores). I'm almost contemplating waking hubby up, just so I can have a good listener to hear me.. Or even just his arms to hold me. I shouldn't wake him, but it IS still officially Mothers day for another 20 minutes, AND he failed to give me the one gift I asked him for (just to fix an old palm pilot of his that I like to play games on)-just plain forgot... We'll see, I might just have vented enough now to fall asleep on my own.

Anyways, hug your Mommas-they're precious commodities, and we're blessed to have them.

Oxymorons

It seemed like this weekend was full of Oxymoron's. No, I don't mean dumb people who use that oxy cleaner, I mean when contradictory terms appear side by side.

For instance, we had the privilege of babysitting my niece (3) and nephew (1) yesterday. Since we had all of my father-in-law's grandkids here, we invited him to dinner. Also, we had most of the neighborhood kids in our yard for a neighborhood baseball game (I love my neighborhood!). So, preparing all the sides for dinner (hubby grilled the meat) while having the three youngest kids in the house & everyone whooping it up outside (Grandpa got to pitch)-that seemed a lot like organized chaos! We had so much fun-and the kids (and grown-ups) were wiped by bedtime.

Today we went to a barbecue at my sister's house and got to meet my mothers new friend (do I dare say boyfriend?). It was such a great day-we had great food, the kids played and got muddy, and the grown ups even played a short game of kickball. The best part of the day was a little later on-my sister had some CD's playing in the garage that my nephew loves. He is the special guy I mention in my post about Walking for Autism now. He got SO excited over some of the songs, he would dance and his smile was so huge. He'd be in this euphoric state and then he'd look at me, and I'd be there, too. The kid just takes my breath away-I love him so much! To add also that I was just having a blast playing with all of the kids this weekend-my own and the nieces and nephews (and my big kid-hubby too)..

It felt blissfully painful or painfully blissful. Just knowing that those moments are magic, and they don't last forever. I remember when I was a young girl, I LOVED the song "Puff the Magic Dragon". It would always make me cry. I was a child and not quite old enough to understand why it upset me so, but I know now it's because that song has put into words so beautifully the grief that you can feel over the undeniable passage of time-children grow up, parents grow old, parents eventually leave us...

I know this magic I felt might not be with us forever, and it's not like times are easy for everyone and/or anyone, but when I feel like my heart has gotten so full that its going to burst, I'm going to take a deep breath, take it all in and count my blessings.

Mother May I???

Happy May Day everyone! This first day of May, 2009 has brought about in me... Sheer exhaustion!! I have been a busy bee the past couple of weeks doing one or two spring cleaning items a day-which pretty much has taken up my "golden hour" of little guys naptime. Add to that the fact that we've been outside playing most of the afternoon/evening, (Plus I was up a little late with some girlfriends last night) I'm just beat!

This week I got to have lunch with one of my closest friends-a coworker from my old office. As she was venting (like we always would do) about stress, schedules, etc... I realized "Hey, I don't miss this at all!" Not that I don't miss her, and the other friends I made at my office, but the stress is not missed at all. The next day I stopped into the branch that my old boss works in to drop off a copy of my Autism Now letter (see Why I walk for Autism Now post)-it was kind of uncomfortable. She saw that I was carrying a folder, and I wonder if she thought I was going to beg for my old job.... It could just be me and my mindset, though. Oh well, not really a concern. It was nice getting to see old friends, but I'm doing just fine with my new "subordinates" (haha!)

And to confirm my realization about my new job, we gave out May baskets today! This is a huge deal considering that for the past 8 years, I have managed to get May baskets made, but it was always at the end of a stressful last day of the month (something quite significant in real estate in our area). This meant that though my kids may have enjoyed making and delivering the baskets-I was just going through the motions, just trying to get it done so that I could have "my time". This year I didn't even realize that it was the "end of the month" until April 30th. Not that I didn't know and prepare for May Day, just that the last day of the month means nothing to me now-it was just a Thursday.

It's kind of freeing to be able to just think about the family. We thoroughly enjoyed May day-and I'm one tired Momma!

Take me home country road.

This weekend our family visited one of my most favorite places in the whole wide world. It was opening weekend at our family trailer. We made the 2 1/2 hour drive north to help our extended family clean & repair our beloved vacation spot. This is a place where my grandparents stayed every summer, we would go and visit them at least one week every year, usually much more often than that. I can tell we're there even if I'm blindfolded-I never forget the welcoming smell of woods and river that greets us as soon as we turn off the highway and into the trailer park.

This year was interesting, as we shared the trailer with my sister and her family. We had 5 kids and 4 adults under one roof and it was raining most of the time while we were there. Even with those odds, we managed to have a great time. My father and step-mother got a room at the local hotel, so after the majority of our work was done yesterday we headed over the hotel pool. EVERYBODY swam and had a great time-even my grandmother had a part in the fun. After swimming (and putting kids directly in to jammies-we're no dummies), Dad bought pizza for the whole lot of us and we ate in the loft/balcony lounge that overlooks the pool area. After supper, it was time for bed for the kiddies (like you didn't see that one coming)-we took the kids back the trailer and they were out with minimal struggle (only my little guy was difficult).

The grown-ups had a couple of beers and watched bad TV as the trailer doesn't get a lot of stations in. Sis and I had a lot of fun making fun of the bad 80's martial arts movie that the big guys were watching. It was so much fun to just hang out and relax-I always feel relaxed when I'm there.

As I unpacked today, I realized that I didn't even have to get into the emergency cache of activities I packed for our rainy weekend. The kids knew that this place is home, and they took full advantage of that fact-no major meltdowns or blow-ups from any of them.

The only time there was any stress was probably when it was time to go. We were trying to clean the trailer, keep it clean and keep the kids from going into the cleaned areas while loading the cars and getting kids out the door-You parents out there know what that's like! So we said goodbye to the spruced up trailer. And we look to the next time when we can get back to our little mobile home.

I Enjoy Being a Mom.. er... ah.. I mean a girl..

I mentioned something to my toddler the other day about Mommy being a girl. He looked me square in the eye and said plain as day "No! You're Mommy!" Well, he has that about right. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, now that I'm an at home mommy, I kind of stay in mommy mode at all times (IE: not much energy left for "extracurricular activities" with hubby at the end of the day). This point was reiterated today-I was folding laundry while the little guy was napping. I like listening to and "old" standards music station (Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Washington, etc..)-while listening, on came the tune "I Enjoy Being a Girl". I listened to the lyrics and had to chuckle to myself-I like doing a lot of the things mentioned in the song (fixing my hair, wearing fancy dresses), they just are not a priority at the time.

No wonder I'm not feeling very romantic these days-boogers as an accessory are not that attractive. So, I had an epiphany... If I'm not feeling like a "dream girl" or pinup (like I was ever one of those to begin with-ha!), I'll "fake it until I make it". Now get your heads up out of the gutter and the jaws off the ground people. All I did was write a simple letter to my husband. See, I had the time (napping toddler) to sit and think of some passionate things to say-so I put them down on paper. I figured that if I can write a passionate love letter to hubby, and place it in a place that I know he won't come across until nearly bedtime (right in front of his toothpaste in the medicine cabinet)-he'll read it and perhaps know that I mean business.

The interesting factor to this is that my husband is basically a robot, so this almost feels like a science experiment (and I'm the mad scientist, right?). I have no idea how he will react to this. I mean this is the man that responded once to my (failed) attempt to be sexy like on TV by mentioning that I didn't have any "drawers" on (no I didn't call them that, but I'm trying to not creep you guys out too much!) by FREAKING out. "Great!" he said, "now I gotta worry about your dress flying up all night and people seeing." Bear in mind that we were on the way to his class reunion, so I can understand, but I was disappointed, to say the least. It wasn't the way I imagined the evening to begin.. By the way, the dress did NOT fly up-I knew it wouldn't.

So, how will the robot react to the bait? And how will the mad scientist react to the robots reaction? Will batman live to fight another day? Tune in same bat time, same bat channel.. Or should I say same GIRL channel??